Helping someone who is grieving

It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people don't know what to say or do. Use the following tips as a guide.

What to say

• Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died." This shows that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
• Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."
• Be genuine and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I'm not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
• Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."
• Ask how the bereaved person feels and listen to the answer. Don't assume you know how they will feel on any given day.

What to do

• Be there. Even if you don't know what to say, just having someone near can be very comforting.
• Listen and give support. But do not try to force someone if they are not ready to talk.
• Be a good listener. Accept whatever feelings the person expresses rather than telling them how they should cope with the loss. Never tell them how they should feel.
• Give reassurance without minimizing the loss. Try to have empathy with the person without assuming you know how they feel.
• Offer to help with errands, shopping, housework, cooking, driving, or yard work. Sometimes people want help and sometimes they don't. They may not take you up on your offer, but just remember they are not rejecting you or your friendship.
• Avoid telling the person "You're so strong." This puts pressure on the person to hold in feelings and keep acting "strong."
• Continue to offer support even after the first shock wears off. Recovery takes a long time.
• It may help to check in with the bereaved on anniversaries of the death, marriage, and birthday of the deceased, since those can be especially difficult.

If the grieving person begins to abuse alcohol or drugs, neglects personal hygiene, develops physical problems, or talks about suicide, it may be a sign of complicated grief or depression. You or someone close to them should talk to them about getting professional help.

If you believe someone is thinking about suicide, do not leave him or her alone. Try to get the person to get help from their doctor or the nearest hospital emergency room right away. If that is not possible, call 911. If you can safely do so, remove firearms and other tools for suicide.