Most parents worry, privately or out loud, about their ability to handle the painful feelings that come with their child's cancer. But most parents have great strengths when it comes to protecting and caring for their children. They come through even during personal pain. Developing trust in and using your team of experts can be very helpful. Social workers, nurses, doctors, and others who are part of the health care team can help parents understand the range of emotions that are normal. Experts can also help teach new skills, such as relaxation and stress management. Sometimes chaplains or child life specialists work with families of children with cancer. They can help both parents and children cope with the changes that cancer brings.

Parents and other adults who care for the child can often handle their feelings better if they take care of their own needs, like eating, sleeping, exercise, and taking breaks from caring for the child. This is especially important to help parents keep their ability to care for the child. It also reassures the child that some routines are being kept and that the adults are OK, despite the stress of the child's illness. When the parents and other important adults take care of themselves, it serves as a model to help remind the child that self-care routines are still important. Parents and other caregiving adults may need to be reminded to see their family doctors for any personal health problems and concerns.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other loved ones often have feelings much like those of parents and may struggle to manage many of the same emotions. It usually helps them when they get accurate information and are called on to give practical help. Team members can also help them discuss and handle their feelings. Sometimes, parents try to shield certain family members from the news of the diagnosis because of concern about its emotional impact. The health care team can help parents who must address these issues in a sensitive manner. In general, secrets in a family tend to shut down communication rather than open it up, and that tends to make communication not as healthy as it could be.

Feelings often just appear whether we like it or not. But how we choose to express them is generally is under our control. Reactions to a major life crisis, such as the diagnosis of cancer in a child or teenager, are upsetting and painful, but natural. Most patients and family members express their feelings and manage them the best they can. Parents can help their child by showing that they are not ashamed or afraid to show what they feel, but also by keeping some control how they express their emotions and focusing on moving forward.

Families that are flexible and can call on lots of support from their extended family, church, workplace, or community tend to cope more easily. Open and clear communication is also helpful, as is the ability to reorganize and balance the demands of the child's illness with the rest of the family's needs.

Families that may need extra help are those with problems in more than one area, such as family relationships, the marriage, and finances. Families with only one parent or caregiving adult also have trouble balancing demands of the child's illness with the needs of other family members. If this is your situation, talk with your cancer team's social worker as soon as you can. The cancer team may be able to refer you to extra sources of help in your community or at the cancer center.

Go back to Children Diagnosed with Cancer: Dealing with Diagnosis.

Last Medical Review: 06/02/2009
Last Revised: 06/02/2009