It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. Use the following suggestions as a guide.

What to say

• Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died." This shows that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.

• Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."

• Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I'm not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."

• Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."

• Ask how the bereaved person feels. Don't assume you know how they will feel on any given day.

What to do

• Be there. Even if you do not know what to say, just having someone near can be very comforting.

• Listen and give support. But do not try to force someone to talk if they are not ready to talk.

• Be a good listener. Accept whatever feelings the person expresses rather than telling them how they should cope with the loss. Never tell them how they should feel.

• Give reassurance without minimizing the loss. Try to have empathy with the person without assuming you know exactly how they feel.

• Offer to help with errands, shopping, housework, cooking, driving, or yard work. Sometimes people want help and sometimes they don't. Although they may not take you up on your offer, remember they are not rejecting you or your friendship.

• Avoid telling the person "You're so strong." This puts pressure on the person to hold in feelings and keep acting "strong."

• Continue to offer support even after the first shock wears off. Recovery takes a long time.

• It may help to check in with the bereaved on anniversaries of the death, marriage, and birthday of the deceased, since those can be especially difficult.

If the grieving person begins to abuse alcohol or drugs, neglects personal hygiene, develops physical problems, or talks about suicide, it may be a sign of complicated grief or depression. You or someone close to them will want to suggest they consider getting professional help.

If you believe someone is thinking about suicide, do not leave him or her alone. Try to get the person to get help from his doctor or the nearest hospital emergency room right away. If that is not possible, call 911. If you can safely do so, remove firearms and other tools for suicide.

Last Medical Review: 01/17/2009
Last Revised: 01/17/2009