Many people think of grief as a single instance or very short period of pain or sadness in response to a loss -- like the tears shed at a loved one's funeral. But grieving is the entire emotional process of coping with a loss, and can last a long time. Normal grieving allows us to let a loved one go and keep on living in a healthy way. Although grieving is painful, it is important that those who have suffered a loss be allowed to express their grief, and that they be supported throughout the process. The way each person grieves for a loved one will be different. The length and intensity of the emotions people go through will also vary from person to person.

It is normal for people to feel better for a while, only to become sad again soon afterward. Sometimes, people wonder how long the grieving process will last for them, and when they can expect some relief. There is no one answer to this question, but it may help to know some of the factors that affect the intensity and length of grieving. The kind of relationship you had with the person who died, the circumstances of their death, and your own life experiences will all affect your personal grieving process.

Researchers have studied grief to better understand the ways people work through a loss and over time come to accept it. They have identified phases, or emotional states, that people may go through while grieving. The first phase includes a period of shock or numbness. This phase begins to fade as the person sees how his or her life is affected by the loss and emotions start to surface. The early shock and numbness is often replaced by emotional upheaval, which can involve anger, loneliness, disbelief, or denial over a long period of time. The final phase of grief is the one in which people find a way to come to terms with and accept the loss.

The first phase of grief

Often, a person's first reaction to a loss is one of shock, disbelief, and numbness. This can last anywhere from a few hours to days or weeks. During this time, the bereaved person may feel emotionally "shut off" from the world. Still, the numbness may be disturbed by waves of distress, which are often triggered by reminders of the deceased. At these times of distress, the person may feel agitated or weak, cry, engage in aimless activities, or be preoccupied with thoughts or images of the person they lost.

The rituals of mourning -- receiving friends, preparing for the funeral, and burial -- often structure this time for people. They are seldom left alone. Sometimes the sense of numbness lasts through these activities, leaving the person feeling as though they are just "going through the motions" of these rituals.

The second phase of grief

At some point the reality of the loss starts to sink in, and the numbness wears off. This phase of grief, sometimes called confrontation, is when the feelings of loss are most intense and painful. It is during this phase that the person must face the loss and start to cope with the changes this loss causes in their lives.

People have many different ways of dealing with loss, so this phase can involve many different, equally intense emotions. During this time, grief tends to come in waves of distress. The person may look disorganized. He or she may have trouble thinking and remembering, and doing day-to-day activities. This phase can vary in length, lasting for weeks to months. Some or all of the following may be seen in a person who is grieving -- the person may:

• withdraw socially
• have trouble thinking and concentrating
• become restless and anxious at times
• have little appetite
• look sad
• feel depressed
• dream of the deceased (or even have hallucinations or "visions" in which the person briefly hears or sees the deceased)
• lose weight
• have trouble sleeping
• feel tired or weak
• become preoccupied with death or events surrounding death
• search for reasons for the loss (sometimes with results that make no sense to others)
• dwell on mistakes, real or imagined, that he or she made with the deceased
• feel somehow guilty for the loss
• feel distant from others and all alone
• express anger or envy at seeing others with their loved ones

It is often during this time that a grieving person needs the most emotional support. Finding sources of support, whether they are family members, friends, support groups, community organizations, or mental health professionals, can be the key to a person's eventual recovery and acceptance of the loss.

The third phase of grief

The first 2 phases of grief help people come to terms with the death by recognizing what the loss means to them in day-to-day life and feeling the pain of grief. Usually, the person comes to accept the loss slowly over the months that follow it. Acceptance is the third phase of grief. It includes adjusting to daily life without the deceased. Like the first and second phases, acceptance does not happen overnight. It is common for it to take as long as a year or more for someone to resolve the emotional and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. Although the pain may become less intense, people may continue to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years after their death. In time, the person should be able to reclaim the emotional energy that was invested in the relationship with the deceased, and use it in other relationships.

Getting through the phases of grief

The grieving process can be very painful and difficult for people who have lost someone close to them. Bereavement counseling is a special type of professional help, which is often available through hospice services or health care provider referrals. This type of counseling has been shown to reduce the level of distress that mourners go through after the death of their loved one. It can help them move more easily through the phases of grief. Bereavement counseling can also help them adjust to their new lives without the deceased.

Still, adjustment does not mean that all the pain is over for those who were very close to the deceased. Grieving for someone who was close to you includes losing the future you expected with that person. This must also be mourned. The sense of loss can last for decades. For example, years after a parent dies, the bereaved may be reminded of the parent's absence at an event he or she would have been expected to attend. This can bring back strong emotions, and may call for mourning yet another part of the loss.

Last Medical Review: 01/17/2009
Last Revised: 01/17/2009