Delores, cancer survivor: "There is a fear that goes through you when you are told you have cancer. It's so hard in the beginning to think about anything but your diagnosis. It's the first thing you think about every morning. I want people diagnosed with cancer to know it does get better. Talking about your cancer helps you deal with all of the new emotions you are feeling. Remember, it's normal to get upset."

When you are told you have cancer, the diagnosis affects not only you, but also your family and friends. You may feel scared, uncertain, or angry about the unwanted changes cancer will bring to your life and theirs. You may feel numb or confused. You may have trouble listening to, understanding, or remembering what people tell you during this time. This is especially true when your doctor first tells you that you have cancer. It is not uncommon for people to shut down mentally once they hear the word "cancer."

There is nothing fair about cancer and no one "deserves" to have it. A cancer diagnosis is hard to take and having cancer is not easy. When you find out you have cancer, your personal beliefs and experiences help you figure out what the diagnosis means to you and how you will handle it. As you face your own mortality and cope with the many demands of cancer, you may look more closely at your religious beliefs, your personal and family values, and what's most important in your life. Accepting the diagnosis and figuring out how cancer fits into your life is challenging.

After you are diagnosed with cancer, you may feel shock, disbelief, fear, anxiety, guilt, sadness, grief, depression, and anger. Each person may have some or all of these feelings, and each will handle them in a different way.

Your first emotion may be shock, because no one is ever ready to hear that they have cancer. It is normal for people with cancer to wonder why it happened to them or to think life has treated them unfairly. You may not even believe the diagnosis, especially if you don't feel sick.

You may be afraid. While some people fear cancer itself, others may be afraid of cancer treatments and wonder how they will get through them. Fear of pain and suffering is one of the greatest fears people with cancer and their loved ones have.

You may feel guilty. You may ask yourself could you have noticed your symptoms earlier, or wonder what you've done that may have caused the cancer. You may wonder if you were exposed to something at home or work that led to cancer. Or you may worry that other members of your family will also get cancer. At this time we do not know what causes most cancers. But a few are known to be hereditary, or passed from a parent to a child. This means if one family member develops it, others in the family may have a higher risk of developing it, too. This can cause even more concerns for the person newly diagnosed with cancer.

You may feel hopeless or sad if you see cancer as a roadblock to a life full of health and happiness. It is hard to feel positive and upbeat, especially if the future is uncertain. Just thinking about treatment and the time it will take out of your life can seem like too much to handle. Feelings of sadness or uncertainty can be made worse by your experiences with cancer.

You may have a sense of loss linked to your cancer diagnosis and treatment. Cancer can change your sense of self, that is, how you think of your body, yourself, and your future. Grief is a normal response as you give up your old ideas of yourself and begin to develop ways to cope with the new, unwanted changes in your life. It may take time for you to become aware of these losses and changes. It can help if you share your grief with someone close to you. If there is no one near you that you want to confide in, you might want to see a mental health professional. Your feelings need care too, just like your physical body needs care.

You might feel angry. While some people may not outwardly express their anger and frustration, others may direct their anger toward family members, friends, or health care professionals. This is usually not done on purpose. If you are only trying to vent your feelings, let people know that you are not angry with them and know it is not their fault. Also let them know that you don't expect them to solve your problems--you just need them to listen.

Coping with your emotions

"The best prescription is knowledge."
-- C. Everett Koop, MD, former United States Surgeon General

Some people believe it is easier to face the reality of a new or scary situation if they learn as much as they can about it. This is especially true when you are dealing with a complex group of diseases like cancer. There is often a great fear of the unknown and uncertainty about what is going to happen. Knowledge can help lessen the fear of the unknown. You can learn a lot about the type of cancer you have, its treatment, and your chances for recovery.

Be your own advocate. Even though people facing cancer cannot change their diagnosis, they can seek out reliable, up-to-date information and talk to family members, friends, and their health care team. Finding good sources of support can help people with cancer take control of their situation and make informed decisions.

It's important to work through your feelings about cancer, because how you feel can affect how you look at yourself, how you view life, and what decisions you make about treatment.

These tips can help you make your medical appointments as useful as possible:

• Make a list of questions to ask your health care team.

• Bring a family member or friend along to appointments. They can serve as an extra pair of ears, help you remember things later, and give you support.

• Ask if you can record important conversations.

• Take notes. If someone uses a word you don't know, ask them to spell it and explain it.

• Ask your health care team to explain anything you don't understand.

You will not be able to change many things in your life. Focus on what you can change to gain a greater sense of control over your situation.

Delores, cancer survivor: "Daily walks and, later, running helped me keep my sanity after I was diagnosed."

Other things you can do to deal with your emotions:

• Ask for support from family, friends, and others. Just having someone who cares and will listen to you can be very helpful. If friends or family members are not able to be supportive, find others who will. Health care professionals (such as social workers, psychologists, or other licensed health professionals) and support groups can be extra sources of support.

• Get spiritual support through prayer, meditation, or other practices that help you feel more at peace. You may want the guidance of a chaplain, pastor, rabbi, or other religious leader.

• Pay attention to your physical needs for rest, nutrition, and other self-care measures.

• Find ways to express your feelings, such as talking or writing in a journal.

• Allow yourself private time and space.

• Walk or exercise. It is a good idea to talk with your cancer care team about your plans before starting a new exercise program or activity.

• Find out what helped other patients and families cope with cancer, and/or talk with other people diagnosed with the same type of cancer.

• Make changes at home to create a healthier environment, and/or talk with your doctor about making healthy lifestyle choices.

Feeling sad all the time, having trouble sleeping, or thinking about suicide are signs that you need professional help. Other symptoms that may need treatment include feelings of panic, intense anxiety, or constant crying. If you think you might need professional help, talk with your doctor.

Last Medical Review: 06/24/2008
Last Revised: 06/24/2008