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Venting feelings
During their illness, people with cancer may express anger and
frustration to those around them. This can upset family members and
friends, but it may help to remember that people often displace their
feelings onto people close to them. They do this because the people
closest to them are a safe outlet. They know you will still be there
for them, even if they behave badly or create tension. Often, the
person is really frustrated and angry about the cancer and the losses
it brings, but that is hard to put into words. So she may take her
angry feelings out on family, friends, or anyone who happens to be
around at the time.
Acting different
Some people with cancer can act like children and become needy
during illness. It can be very hard for an adult child to see a parent
act this way. Try to understand that this is one way of acting out
feelings of helplessness or weakness. These are quite normal feelings
to have during a cancer illness.
Though the disease may limit some daily activities, it is
usually best for the person with cancer to keep living as he did
before as much as possible. Continuing to be a responsible adult can
give the person with cancer a sense of meaning, confidence, and
control. Giving in to feelings of dependence may make the person with
cancer feel even more helpless and feel like a victim. Sometimes we
feel so
sorry for the person with cancer that we may try to
overprotect him,
but in the long run that probably isn't helpful.
The cancer diagnosis and treatment phase is usually an anxious
time for people. There is fear about the changes that come with having
cancer, such as possible pain, money and job changes, body changes, and
adjustments in personal relationships. Because they have so much
anxiety in their lives, sometimes people with cancer may seem upset or
frightened for no reason that you can see. Sometimes this anxiety may
come across as a harsh attitude toward you. Or you may find that you
have fights when you only want to be supportive. Try to not react
emotionally to this type of attitude. Understand that it is probably
temporary and due to all of the fear and anxiety that comes with having
and dealing with cancer. During this time, you will need to overlook
some of this type of behavior and be ready to offer extra forgiveness,
understanding, and support. Try to put yourself in your loved one's
shoes. Think about how scared you would be if this were happening to
you. This can help you to let go of minor arguments and troubles
and move on.
The "blame game"
Sometimes people with cancer blame themselves for getting the
disease because of something they did or did not do. As a friend or
family member, you may also feel guilty and express this by changing
the
way you act toward the person with cancer. You may try to make up for
what you see as your failures in the past. Blaming yourself and each
other can be barriers to a healthy relationship. Try not to play the
"blame game." Encourage your loved one not to blame herself
for what's going on. The time has passed for that anyway. Moving
forward is the only option. If you feel guilty as a friend or loved
one, it's OK to express your regrets, apologize, and move on, too. Try
not to live in the past, but focus on the hopeful and positive future
you and your loved one have.
Last Medical Review: 08/20/2009
Last Revised: 08/20/2009
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