ACS :: Ways of Coping

During their illness, people with cancer may express anger and frustration to those around them. This can upset family members and friends, but it may help to remember that people often displace their feelings onto people close to them. They do this because the people closest to them are a safe outlet. They know you will still be there for them, even if they behave badly or create tension. Often, the person is really frustrated and angry about the cancer and the losses it brings, but that is hard to put into words. So she may take her angry feelings out on family, friends, or anyone who happens to be around at the time.

Some people with cancer can act like children and become needy during illness. It can be very hard for an adult child to see a parent act this way. Try to understand that this is one way of acting out feelings of helplessness or weakness. These are quite normal feelings to have during a cancer illness.

Though the disease may limit some daily activities, it is usually best for the person with cancer to keep living as he did before as much as possible. Continuing to be a responsible adult can give the person with cancer a sense of meaning, confidence, and control. Giving in to feelings of dependence may make the person with cancer feel even more helpless and feel like a victim. Sometimes we feel so sorry for the person with cancer that we may try to overprotect him, but in the long run that probably isn't helpful.

The cancer diagnosis and treatment phase is usually an anxious time for people. There is fear about the changes that come with having cancer, such as possible pain, money and job changes, body changes, and adjustments in personal relationships. Because they have so much anxiety in their lives, sometimes people with cancer may seem upset or frightened for no reason that you can see. Sometimes this anxiety may come across as a harsh attitude toward you. Or you may find that you have fights when you only want to be supportive. Try to not react emotionally to this type of attitude. Understand that it is probably temporary and due to all of the fear and anxiety that comes with having and dealing with cancer. During this time, you will need to overlook some of this type of behavior and be ready to offer extra forgiveness, understanding, and support. Try to put yourself in your loved one's shoes. Think about how scared you would be if this were happening to you. This can help you to let go of minor arguments and troubles and move on.

Sometimes people with cancer blame themselves for getting the disease because of something they did or did not do. As a friend or family member, you may also feel guilty and express this by changing the way you act toward the person with cancer. You may try to make up for what you see as your failures in the past. Blaming yourself and each other can be barriers to a healthy relationship. Try not to play the "blame game." Encourage your loved one not to blame herself for what's going on. The time has passed for that anyway. Moving forward is the only option. If you feel guilty as a friend or loved one, it's OK to express your regrets, apologize, and move on, too. Try not to live in the past, but focus on the hopeful and positive future you and your loved one have.

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