What should I say to my co-worker who has cancer?

It is normal to feel as if you don't know what to say to someone who has cancer. It is common in the workplace because relationships with co-workers are so varied. You might not know the person very well, or you may have worked together for many years and have a closer relationship. The most important thing you can do is to mention the situation in some way -- whatever is most comfortable for you. You can show interest and concern, you can express encouragement, or you can offer support. Sometimes the simplest expressions of concern are the most meaningful. And sometimes just listening is the most helpful thing you can do.

Respond from your heart. Here are some ideas:

• "I'm not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."
• "I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this."
• "How are you doing?"
• "If you would like to talk about it, I am here."
• "Please let me know if I can help."
• "I'll keep you in my thoughts."

While it is good to be encouraging, it is also important not to show false optimism, or to tell your co-worker to always have a positive attitude. Doing so might make your co-worker think you are discounting their fears, concerns, or sad feelings. It is also tempting to say that you know how the person feels. While you may know that this is a trying time, no one else can know exactly how any person with cancer feels.

Using humor can be an important way of coping. It can also be another source of support and encouragement. Let your co-worker take the lead; it is healthy if he or she finds something funny about a side effect, like hair loss or increased appetite, and you can certainly join in a good laugh. This can be a great way to relieve stress and to take a break from the more serious nature of the situation. But you would never want to joke unless you knew your co-worker could handle it and appreciate the humor.

When your colleague looks good, let him or her know! Avoid making comments when their appearance isn't as good, such as "You're looking pale," or "You've lost weight." It's very likely that they are acutely aware of it, and they may feel embarrassed if people comment on it at work.

It's usually best not to share stories with your co-worker about family members or friends who have had cancer. Everyone is different, and these stories may not be helpful. Instead, it is OK to let him or her know you are familiar with cancer because you've been through it with someone else. Then your co-worker can pick up the conversation from there.

What about confidentiality?

Respecting privacy is very important. If your co-worker tells you that she has cancer, you should never tell anyone else unless your co-worker has given you permission. Let them be the one to tell others about having cancer. If someone else asks you about it, you can say something like, "It's not up to me to discuss this, but I'm sure she'll appreciate your concern. I'll let her know you asked about her."

It might feel awkward if you hear through the office grapevine that a co-worker has cancer. You might want to ask the person who told you if it is public information. If it is not, you probably shouldn't say anything to the person with cancer. If it is public information, don't ignore it. You might say to your co-worker, in a caring way, "I heard what's happening, and I'm sorry."

You may feel angry or hurt if a co-worker who is close to you didn't share the news of a cancer diagnosis with you right away. No matter how close you are, it may take time for some people to adjust to the diagnosis and be ready to tell others. Don't take it personally. Focus on how you can support your co-worker now that you know. For more information, please see our document, After Diagnosis: A Guide for Patients and Families.

How do I overcome feeling uncomfortable around my co-worker who has cancer?

Feeling sorry for them, or feeling guilty for being healthy yourself, are normal responses. But, by turning those feelings into offerings of support you make the feelings useful. Asking your co-worker how he wants or needs you to help can break down some of the awkwardness. Cancer is a scary disease, and it can create a great deal of uneasiness for people who don't have experience dealing with it. Don't be ashamed of your own fears or discomfort. Be honest with your co-worker about how you feel and you might find that talking about it is easier than you think.

You might be asked, or expected, to take on more work to make up for the absence of your co-worker. Discuss this with your supervisor if you think it could become a problem for you. Otherwise, you might begin to resent your co-worker. This will be an important part in overcoming the uneasiness you might feel around her.

Remember to take care of yourself. If you are close in age to your co-worker, or if you are very fond of them, you may find that this experience creates anxiety for you. Cancer often reminds us of our own mortality. You might experience feelings much like those of the person who has cancer: disbelief, sadness, uncertainty, anger, sleeplessness, and fears about your own health. If that is the case, you may want to seek support for yourself from a mental health professional or a local support group, or contact a counselor if your company has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). You can also use other avenues for counseling, such as your health insurance or religious support services.

A list of basic do's and don'ts

Do:

• Take your cues from the person with cancer. Some people are very private while others will talk more about their illness. Respect the person's need to share or their need for privacy.

• Let them know that you care.

• Respect their decisions about how their cancer will be treated, even if you disagree.

• Include the person with cancer in usual work projects and social events. Let him or her be the one to tell you if the commitment is too much to manage.

• Listen without always feeling that you have to respond. Sometimes a caring listener is what the person needs the most.

• Expect your colleague to have good days and bad days, emotionally and physically.

• Keep your relationship as normal and balanced as possible. While greater patience and compassion are called for during times like these, your colleague should continue to respect your feelings, as you respect his or her feelings.

• Offer to help in concrete, specific ways (see ideas below).

• Check before doing something for your co-worker, no matter how helpful you think you are being.

• Keep them up-to-date with what's happening at work.

• Send cards, and include anecdotes about why they are missed. If people send individual cards, they may have more impact.

Don't:

• Offer advice they don't ask for, or be judgmental.

• Assume that he or she can't do the job. Your co-worker needs to feel like a valuable, contributing member of your company or department.

• Feel you must put up with serious displays of temper or mood swings. You shouldn't accept disruptive behavior just because someone is ill.

• Take things too personally. It's normal for your co-worker to be quieter than usual, to need time alone, and to be angry at times.

• Be afraid to talk about the illness.

• Always feel you have to talk about cancer. Your colleague may enjoy conversations that don't involve the illness.

• Be afraid to hug or touch your friend if that was a part of your friendship before the illness.

• Be patronizing. (Try not to use a "How sick are you today?" tone when asking how he or she is doing.)

• Tell your co-worker, "I can imagine how you must feel," because you really can't.

Last Medical Review: 06/30/2009
Last Revised: 06/30/2009