No matter how small the role, friends can help support the caregiver who is on the frontlines of caring for a cancer patient. Even distant friends can call and listen or share memories, as described firsthand by Nina Leung in the January 2002 issue of intouch.

Leung's friend, Beth, had just told her that her husband, Ted, had been diagnosed with bladder cancer. Beth already had nearby friends who brought them dinner, fed the cat, and watered the plants while she and Ted were busy with doctors and treatment.

Leung immediately sent tulips, Beth's favorite flowers, and a biography of Eleanor Roosevelt, a favorite historical figure. Instead of calling monthly, Leung began calling more frequently, and listened to her friend cry or discuss her fears and hopes. But Leung and Beth also talked about work, politics, and dyeing their hair.

While Beth concentrated on helping her husband, Leung could focus on helping Beth. And Leung's family helped her by understanding her need to be available to Beth.

"Each of us in turn imparts the energy and stamina we need to face the next day," wrote Leung. She realized that even from a distance, she had an important role that Beth's closer friends couldn't fill.

Since she had been a childhood friend, she could remind Beth of their youth, "a life before her husband grew ill — even before she had a husband."

"When we talk, she glimpses her younger self in my mind's eye and draws strength from what she sees," wrote Leung. Thus the two friends, in strengthening their bond, strengthen their emotional reserves.

Old friends can particularly help a caregiver remember who they were, as they face an uncertain future. "To support a friend while she's supporting a loved one," wrote Leung, "is to discover the unique gift you have to offer, and the pleasure is mutual."

An American Cancer Society (ACS) expert underscored how important this support can be. Joy Fincannon, RN, MS, clinical nurse specialist in psychiatric mental health nursing, is one of the authors of ACS's Cancer in the Family: Helping Children Cope With a Parent's Illness, and is presently working on the second book in this series, Helping Couples Cope.

"It is so difficult to pick up the phone the first time to face the painful reality of your friend's life," said Fincannon. "But the more contact you maintain, the easier it becomes. You don't have to worry about what to say, because the person dealing with the cancer situation will tell you what they need."

"Having a connection to a friend from the less complicated, happier past can provide comfort as well as diversion. Somehow by validating the positive past, you can feel more hopeful for the future. Happier times will come again," noted Fincannon.

Caregiving

Cancer in the Family