My family and friends were the thread that kept me together. If it hadn’t been for their many tender acts of love, I might have fallen into a dark well of despair.

As the recipient of stunning acts of compassion, I’ve compiled some tips that may help you relate to a friend or relative with breast cancer.

• Be a good listener. Your loved one will be facing a storm of emotional issues immediately following the diagnosis. Grief, anger, and depression may take turns raging in her heart. Don’t feel you have to comment on every statement she makes. Just sit quietly and let her talk or cry or shout. Try not to give advice about treatment options unless she asks you directly, "What would you do?"

• Accept all her emotions. When I confided to a friend about how worried I was, she said, "Worried is OK" and gave me a hug. If your loved one gets angry, avoid saying, "There’s nothing to be angry about." Just let the feelings flow. And keep in mind that some women will cry their hearts out, while others may not.
• Be there. If you live nearby, call ahead to see how your friend is doing and if she wants company. Bring her lunch or supper. If you live too far to visit, call frequently. My sister called me every day, and the sound of her voice was enormously comforting.
• Show your love. Don’t be shy about expressing your feelings. One friend hugged me and said, "We’ll get through this." That plural noun warmed my heart.

• Send cards. A mailbox overflowing with get-well cards can be very therapeutic. I propped up all my cards in the living room and kept them there for the seven weeks of my radiation therapy. They became little emblems of love that lit up the room.
• Deliver meals. Food seems to be a universal expression of love, and after my surgery, this was truer than ever. When I arrived home from the hospital, I found a big pot of homemade gumbo, freshly baked bread, a box of chocolates and other goodies on the front porch.
• Call often. I didn’t always feel feisty enough to answer every call, but I cherished every message.
• Offer to find support. If your friend or relative expresses interest in attending a support group for women with cancer, help her find one. You may also want to offer to accompany her on the first visit.
• Don’t lean on her. You may be experiencing great anguish over the diagnosis. But this is not a time to expect your loved one to give you emotional support. Instead, you may want to attend a support group for friends and relatives of people with cancer.

• Never second-guess her. No matter what course of treatment she chooses, support her decision. Many women will have doubts, at some future time, about the type of treatment they chose. Assure her that she made the best choice for her at the time.
• Keep the love flowing. Radiation and chemotherapy can be a dicey time for cancer patients because the initial emotional support may seem to be waning. Although I didn’t have chemo, I did undergo daily radiation treatments for seven weeks. One day I came home feeling weary and blue only to discover that a friend had left me an adorable stuffed animal on the porch. That made my day.
• Help with errands and childcare. Instead of asking, "What can I do?" try to be more specific. Try: "May I take you to a radiation therapy session?" or: "I’m going to the grocery store. What do you need?" If your friend has children, offer to watch them for a few hours.

• Be careful not to blame the victim. We all yearn to know what "caused" our loved one’s illness. But avoid suggesting that your friend or relative is to blame. Don’t hint that she stayed too long in a stressful job. Don’t hint that she should not have taken birth control pills. Keep in mind that the causes of breast cancer are unknown.

• Express your interest in her health. Some people think that once the medical treatments are over, the crisis has passed. But the emotional repercussions of a cancer diagnosis can last a very long time. I cherish the friends who ask me, "How are you doing?" in a way that allows me to discuss not only my physical state but my emotional state as well.

Lorraine Murray is a freelance writer living in Decatur, Ga. She was a contributor to A Breast Cancer Journey: Your Personal Guidebook, published by the American Cancer Society. To visit the ACS Bookstore, click here.