Helping Children When A Family Member Has Cancer: Dealing With Recurrence or Progressive Illness

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How do children react to the thought of a parent’s death?

  • child reacts to this complicated and heartbreaking issue in their own way. The answer depends on many factors, such as the child’s personality, his or her relationship to the sick parent, and, most importantly, the child’s age and stage of development. Also, if death is likely to happen soon, the child will feel differently than if death seems like something that will happen in the distant future. This can be especially confusing if the child isn’t really old enough to understand the meaning of time.
  • children refuse to believe that their parent is seriously ill and demonstrate this in their behavior.
  • act out their sadness and anger by refusing to go along with the family rules.
  • children withdraw and isolate themselves from others in the family and/or their friends.
  • may refuse to listen to an explanation of what’s going on or pretend nothing is wrong.
  • may regress, meaning that they do things the way they did when they were younger.
  • might have trouble leaving the parent to go to school, have temper tantrums, or change toileting habits that had been under control.
  • changes in behavior can be very upsetting for a parent and they often happen when parents have less time and energy than usual to deal with them. Kids often “act out” because they aren’t yet able to recognize and name their emotions. They don’t have the words to “talk out” their distress.

Help your children express their feelings.

Depending on their age and personality, children often try to protect their parents from knowing their true feelings. We all do this to one degree or another with people we love. Asking your children if they are angry and assuring them that feeling this is way is normal could open the door to a helpful and healing discussion. Underneath the anger, there’s often a deep sadness which needs to be recognized and shared in order to move on. While these feelings can be painful to express and to listen to, getting them out into the open can take away some of their power and help people feel closer.

Is it all right if I talk about being angry?

Anger is probably the most common reaction to the stress of a serious illness. Anger is also one of the harder issues to deal with directly. Many of us have been told, in one way or another, that it’s not OK to be angry. People can spend a lot of energy hiding such feelings. One of the reasons for this may be that to some people, expressing anger may mean acting enraged and threatening, which can be very scary and destructive to those you love. Children and other loved ones don’t usually feel safe when a parent is out of control.

But feeling angry doesn’t mean that you are less of a person or that you’re not coping well. Anger is a valid response to the unfairness of cancer and needs to be recognized as such. If you, as the patient or family member, can claim your right to feel cheated because of the impact cancer has had on you and your family, it will be easier for your children to express these normal feelings, too. Trying to hide such feelings takes up energy that could best be used elsewhere.

Teens may find anger a special problem. Remember that teenagers are already usually somewhat rebellious and don’t like feeling different. Feeling angry about the illness is another layer added to their insecurities and anxieties. If they won’t talk to their parents, they might open up to other adults such as teachers, church leaders, or coaches. There are also some great online resources and support groups that may appeal to this age group. (See the “To learn more” section.)You may be quite angry about having cancer again and feel you should hide this anger from your kids. But it’s better to talk about it. Be very sure to direct your anger at the cancer, not at the children.

You’ll want to encourage them to express their anger, too. Show them that being angry doesn’t mean that you will fall apart, or that your family will suffer more. Show them that calmly talking about these feelings can even make you closer as a family. Explain to your children that you know that some of their angry feelings are not directed at you personally, even though it may sometimes seem like that. Tell them that you understand the cancer is the real culprit and you share their feelings. Make this a bonding experience and find ways to release the anger together.


Last Medical Review: 12/05/2014
Last Revised: 12/12/2014