Feeling good about yourself and feeling good about sex

In the US, especially in the media, sex is all too often viewed as something only for the young and healthy. Sex appeal is judged by some as a skin-deep sort of beauty rather than something based on love, kindness, maturity, or a sense of humor. Based on looks alone, most people may not feel all that attractive to start with. And after being treated for cancer, their self-esteem can often fall even further.

After cancer treatment, it is very easy to focus only on the part of the body that has been affected. For example, a man who has had a laryngectomy may fear he will not be able to find another partner because he has lost his voice.

Sometimes friends and lovers do withdraw emotionally from a cancer patient. This may not be due to how a person looks, but be caused by some feelings or thoughts in the person who is doing the looking. When a wife cannot bear to look at her husband’s ostomy bag, for example, it may be a sign of much deeper feelings. Maybe she is angry because she had to take over her husband’s usual tasks of paying bills and doing household repairs. Or the ostomy may remind her of how sad she would feel if he died. It may be easier not to love him so much. She may even be more aware of her own chance of death and that is upsetting her. Yet all these feelings get blamed on a stoma that mars a small part of her husband’s body. The wife, in turn, may feel like a sexual failure and know that she is letting her husband down at a time when he needs her most.

Don’t give up on each other. It may take time and effort, but keep in mind that sexual touching between a man and his partner is always possible. It may be easy to forget this, especially if you are both feeling down or have not had sex for awhile. Review the “Keeping your sex life going despite cancer treatment” section for some tips to help you and your partner through this time. Also try the suggestions we make here to help you through some of the changes that cancer may have brought to your life, your self-esteem, and your relationships. And keep in mind that you may need extra help with the changes caused by cancer that can turn your and your partners’ lives upside down. See the “Professional help” section for more information.