When Someone You Know Has Cancer

Finding out that someone you know has cancer can bring up many emotions and leave you unsure what to say or do. Understanding what they may be experiencing, how to communicate effectively, and ways you can offer support can help you navigate this difficult time.

Processing your feelings

Learning that a friend or loved one has cancer can bring on many feelings, including sadness, grief, and anger. Before you can provide the best emotional support, you may need some time to work through your own feelings. It’s okay to do this and let them know what’s going on. You can help your friend or loved one in other ways, such as giving a gift, dropping off a meal, or helping with rides to appointments.

If you need time to process your own feelings but your loved one needs immediate emotional support, there may still be ways to help. For example, you might be able to help them find someone they can talk to right after diagnosis. You can help them look for support groups or connect them with a community or religious leader.

Talking with someone who has cancer

When talking with someone who has cancer, it can be hard to know what to say or what not to say. The most important thing you can do is to listen. Try to hear and understand how they feel. Don’t make light of, judge, or try to change the way the person feels or acts. Let them know that you’re open to talking whenever they feel like it. Or, if they don’t feel like talking right at that time, that’s okay, too. You can offer to listen whenever they’re ready.

There may be times when uncertainty and fear make someone with cancer seem angry, depressed, or withdrawn. This is normal and is a part of the process of grieving what was lost to cancer – things like health, energy, and time. Over time, most people adjust and go forward. Some may need extra help from a support group or a mental health professional to learn to deal with the changes cancer has brought into their lives.

Talking about blame and stigma

Some people might blame themselves for getting cancer. They may also feel blamed by others if people ask whether something they did in the past might have caused their cancer. This is called stigma. It can make someone:

• Blame themselves for their illness
• Feel left out, isolated, or depressed
• Feel as though they don’t have much support
• Approach their treatment differently
• Have a poor quality of life
• Avoid follow-up care

If someone feels they are to blame for their cancer diagnosis, be reassuring and show you care. Help them know that they can’t change what might have happened in the past, but they can take charge of their life and care while going through treatment and beyond.

Talking about fear and death

Some people with cancer might talk about death, worry about their future or their family’s future, or talk about other fears. These thoughts may be difficult to hear. You don’t always have to respond, but be ready to listen. If you are asked your opinion about their illness, treatment, or other parts of their cancer journey, be open and honest. But don’t try to answer questions that you don’t know the answers to.

When you don’t know what to say

You’re not alone if you don’t know what to say to someone who has cancer. You may or may not have a close relationship with them. It can be harder in the workplace because relationships with coworkers are so different. You might not know the person very well, or you might have worked together for many years and be close friends.

The most important thing you can do is show that you care and offer encouragement and support. Sometimes, the simplest expressions of concern or just listening are the most meaningful things you can do.

Try to make your response honest and heartfelt. Here are some ideas:

• “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care. I’m here for you.”
• “I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this.”
• “It’s OK to feel how you’re feeling. I am here for you no matter what.”
• “How are you doing?”
• “If you would like to talk about it, I’m here.”
• “Please let me know how I can help.”
• “I’ll keep you in my thoughts.”

Ways to connect

The person with cancer may have concerns or may not feel as hopeful sometimes. You may not be able to truly say that you know how they feel. But it’s good to offer encouragement to make them feel supported.

Using humor can be an important way of coping. It can also be another approach to support and encourage someone. This can be a great way to relieve stress and take a break from focusing on the cancer. Let the person with cancer take the lead in using humor. It’s healthy if they find something funny to express, and you can certainly join them in a good laugh.

If they look good, let them know! Avoid making comments when their appearance isn’t as good, such as “You’re looking pale,” or “You’ve lost weight.” It’s very likely that they’re very aware of it, and they may feel embarrassed if people comment on it.

It’s usually best not to share stories about family members or friends who have had cancer. Everyone is different, and these stories may not be helpful. Instead, let them know that you are familiar with cancer because you’ve been through it with someone else. Then they can pick up the conversation from there.

Respecting their privacy

If someone tells you that they have cancer, don’t share their news unless they have given you permission. Let them be the one to tell others. If someone else asks you about it, you can say something like, “It’s not up to me to share this, but I’m sure (____) will appreciate your concern. I’ll let them know you asked about them.”

It might feel awkward if you hear through the grapevine that someone has cancer. You could ask the person who told you if it’s public information. If it’s not, you probably shouldn’t say anything to the person with cancer. But if it is public information, don’t ignore it. You might say, in a caring way, “I heard what’s happening, and I’m sorry.”

You might feel angry or hurt if someone who’s close to you didn’t share the news of a cancer diagnosis with you right away. No matter how close you are, it may take time for the person to adjust to the diagnosis and be ready to tell others. Don’t take it personally. Focus on how you can support that person now that you know.

How do I get over feeling uncomfortable around someone who has cancer?

Don’t be ashamed of your own fears or discomfort. Be honest with the person about how you feel. You might find that talking about it is easier than you think. Feeling sorry for someone, or feeling guilty for being healthy yourself, are normal responses. Cancer can create a great deal of uneasiness for people who don’t have experience dealing with it.

Cancer often reminds us of our own life experiences. If you are close in age to the person with cancer, or if you are very fond of them, you may find that this experience creates anxiety for you. You might feel disbelief, sadness, uncertainty, or anger. You might have trouble sleeping or have fears about your own health. If this is the case, you may want to get support for yourself from a mental health professional or a local support group. If your work has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP), you can contact a counselor that way. You can also use other sources of counseling, such as your health insurance or religious support services.

How does someone cope with cancer?

People develop all kinds of coping styles during their lives. Some people are quite private, while others are more open and talk about their feelings. These coping styles help people manage difficult situations, although some styles work better than others.

People with cancer may cope in different ways. Some people become withdrawn and isolated from family and friends. Some people find it helps to simply be hopeful and do what they can to maintain that hope. Hope means different things to different people. And people can hope for many things while facing cancer.

Don’t assume that someone who is positive and hopeful is in denial about having cancer. Making the most of every day may simply be their way of coping. As long as they are getting medical care, they’re probably not in denial, and their way of coping with cancer should be respected.

The American Cancer Society offers programs and services to help during and after cancer treatment. If someone needs help with transportation or housing during treatment, there are sources of support. To find out about services where your friend or loved one lives, call 1-800-227-2345.

When someone finishes treatment

Completing cancer treatment can come with different emotions. People can be excited to be cancer-free and done with treatment. But many people may not feel happy or joyful. It’s common to struggle with long-term or late side effects, money problems, loss of a job, loss of independence, and fear of recurrence.

Many people report being on “auto-pilot” for most of their cancer treatment. For some, the end of treatment is the first time they actually begin to process their feelings and everything they’ve been through.

Someone with cancer might feel guilty or ashamed for not being “happier” or more grateful. They might keep these feelings hidden from everyone, which can make it worse.

It’s okay to want to acknowledge and celebrate a person when they finish treatment. But it’s important to remember that for some people, the end of cancer treatment and the transition to survivorship can bring mixed feelings. Trying to figure out their new normal after treatment can be difficult.

Tell, and show, your friend or loved one that they have your support for as long as they need, even if treatment has ended. This can make all the difference.

What if their cancer comes back?

Sometimes, a person’s cancer may come back (recur) and the same or new treatment might be needed. They may or may not react the same way they did the first time. A person might feel they don’t have the emotional or physical strength to get through it again. They might feel they have the power to be as strong as they were the first time. They may need your support more than ever.

What if they decline or stop cancer treatment?

At some point during a person’s cancer journey, they might choose not to get certain treatments or decide to stop cancer treatment entirely. You might feel like they’re giving up, and that can be upsetting or frustrating. You might not agree with their decision, but it’s important to support them and give them the space to decide what they feel is best for their health and overall well-being.

Even after a person declines cancer treatment or decides to stop treatment, it’s important to make sure they fully understand their options. You might want to suggest that the person to talk with their cancer care team about their decision. And continue to offer your support.

Someone who declines or stops cancer treatment may be open to hospice. Hospice is a special kind of care that focuses on a person’s quality of life, comfort, and dignity as they near the end of life.

If the person isn’t open to hospice but needs more support, they can get palliative care. Palliative care can help anyone with cancer, even those who are sure that they don’t want treatment for the cancer itself. It is focused on treating or improving symptoms, such as pain or nausea, and improving quality of life. Palliative care can be given with or without cancer treatment.

Encourage someone who has stopped or declined cancer treatment to talk to their cancer care team about whether hospice or palliative care is right for them.

If someone you know is in the final stages of life

When someone’s cancer is no longer responding to treatment, it’s hard for those close to them, too. No matter how hard it might be, try to be there to give support. Follow the signs of how they may feel and be available when they need you.

Ask them how you can support them or reach out to their caregiver to see how you can help. Your presence and support are very important during this time.