How to Prepare a Child or Teen for the Death of a Parent or Loved One

Children of all ages go through grief, sadness, and despair when they know they will lose someone they love, especially a parent. Even though the grieving process might look different for children of different ages, it’s important to be aware of the signs and behaviors of grief to support the child through it.

Children can often sense when things are different around them. It’s important to be as open as possible about what is happening. When children know what is going on, they can process their emotions and cope better with the changes.

How children understand and experience grief

Grieving involves many different emotions over time, all of which help the person accept the loss. Children grieve differently from adults, and each child grieves differently. Each phase of growth and development may bring up new aspects of the loss. And the child may grieve again and again at different life phases. This is true even for children who were infants when their loved one died. Also, grief may come and go over time.

How a child grieves and how well they cope with loss depends on their:

• Age
• Development and maturity
• Relationship with the person who died
• The care they receive afterwards, especially if the loss is a parent
• How the family communicates and expresses grief

Children may show grief in many ways. They may show sadness, anger, or regress to younger behaviors. They may withdraw or act as if nothing is wrong. And they may be needy or clingy, wanting extra reassurance and comfort.

When to tell a child that a loved one is dying

There is no right or wrong time to tell children that their parent or loved one is dying. The family can decide when to tell them based on what the child has already been told about the illness over time. If the child has been given truthful information during the illness, new information would come as updates. This way, they have a chance to adjust to what they can understand.

For families who have not told the child about the illness, plan to give the child simple and honest information in a safe and supported place. It may be helpful to talk to the child about the illness and how it has advanced. Then, let them know that the person is dying. Give the child time to ask questions and repeat the information if needed.

Find time when you will not be interrupted. You might want to talk to each child alone. That way you can give each child information based on their age and understanding. Be sure you have time to answer questions and let the child express their feelings.

Choose a time when you feel calm. If you are emotional or unsure about what to say, wait until your emotions are more controlled. It may help to write down what you want to say. Also, it might help to have another trusted adult, like the other parent, or a friend, or relative with you.

How to tell a child or teen about a loved one dying

Start by asking questions

Before talking with a child or teen about a dying loved one, it can help to find out how children or teens think about the loved one’s illness. An open-ended question like “How do you think (name of loved one) is doing now?” is a good way to start. They may notice relatives or friends are helping more. Or they may see that family life seems to revolve around trips to the hospital and there’s less time for the family to enjoy their usual activities.

Do not assume that you know what’s going on in your child’s mind. Ask your child if they’ve noticed any changes. Ask them what they think these changes mean.

Use direct language

It may be challenging to use direct words, but it’s important to use the words “die” and “death” rather than “pass on,” “go away,” “go home,” or “go to sleep.” These terms don’t clearly define death and may confuse younger children when the person does not wake up or come back.

Explain death in a way they can understand

Since a child’s understanding is based on what they can directly experience, death could be explained in the following ways:

• Death means that we will no longer see the person we love physically, but we’ll have memories of them in our minds.
• When a person dies, they do not feel anymore. The heart does not beat anymore. The person does not breathe.

If you’re speaking with young children, be sure to explain that death is not like a trip. A person does not come back from being dead.

Why you may need repeated conversations

Young children may not understand what death is and what it means the first time they hear it. You may have to repeat this discussion many times for them to fully understand.

If a child does not want to believe what you’ve told them, they may ask the same questions again and again. They may act as if the conversation never happened. They might do this hoping that the answer will be different the next time, hoping that somehow what they’ve been told is not true.

Although this may be painful, it’s a key part of preparing the child. In time, the child will accept the reality. This process is how the child comes to accept that life can and will go on without the parent.

Use books or resources to help

It may help to use a simple story book to help explain dying and death. Talk to your healthcare team, ask a local librarian, check out online library resources, or check the local funeral homes for recommendations.

Age-appropriate ways to talk about death

Children understand illness, dying, and death differently according to their age and development.

Preparing children for a loss

Children may have different needs depending on how old they are.

Preparing young children

As the parent or loved one becomes sicker, they may want to protect children from the signs of advanced disease. They may not want children to see them vomiting, in pain, or not able to eat. But it’s impossible to protect a child from everything. It’s better to keep them as informed as possible. Shielding children from these realities may slow down their adjustment to the situation.

Preparing children for the death of a loved one also means talking with the person who is dying about their end-of-life wishes. This includes deciding whether they want to die at home or in a healthcare facility, and whether children should be present when death occurs.

If the parent or loved one is at home, encourage simple, usual activities the child can do with the parent or loved one for as long as possible. These moments of closeness often become comforting memories for the child later on.

Preparing teens

Teens may want to help with some of the care of their loved one. Or they may want to help with things around the house. This will depend on their comfort level and their relationship with the loved one, school demands, and their social needs.

Older children and teens might want to be there when a parent or loved one is dying. If the parent or loved one is OK with that, this should be supported. Teens might have mixed emotions of fear and uncertainty. It can help to have a member of the healthcare team explain what to expect and how to prepare.

When the person dying is a parent or caregiver

Talking to children and preparing them for the death of a parent or caregiver is even more crucial if that person is the only parent or caregiver. The child knows that the parent provides all or most of their care. They will probably worry about who would do it if they were no longer there.

Here are some key things to remind the child as you talk with them:

• Reassure them that it's okay to share how they feel.
• Reassure them that they will always be loved and taken care of even when you are not there anymore.

Reassuring a child about future care

Some parents might not have a plan for what will happen to their children if they die. It’s important to make those arrangements and let your children know about them in age-appropriate ways. Plans should be shared with children in an open and honest way for both single-parent and two-parent households. This can be emotionally challenging to talk about, but it’s something that should be done. It’s one way a parent or caregiver can reassure their children that they will always be cared for no matter what happens.

If the children have a two-parent household, they should be told what changes to expect. Planning and talking to them about it lets them know how important they are to you. Assure them that they will always be cared for if a parent dies. And tell them that it is OK to ask questions and express their feelings.

If the children’s caregivers are likely to be other family members or friends, it can be helpful for your child to build a relationship with them. This can provide comfort and reassurance for your child. If the children are older, you might want to get their input on who they would like to become their caregiver.

If you don’t have family or friends who can be options as caregivers, there are social service agencies that can help find possible caregivers.

Helping children and teens cope with grief

When a loved one or parent dies, children may have different responses. They may feel upset or sad. They might repeat questions like “Where did grandpa go?”

Toddlers and preschoolers may regress, have sleep problems, or become clingy after a loss. Older children and teens may cry or feel very angry. Or they may want to be alone or spend more time with friends. These changes improve over time. Support groups for all ages of children may also be helpful, if available.

Children who have a parent who is dying or has died from cancer also can feel:

• Anxiety or depression
• Anger
• Responsibility for the parent’s illness
• Fear about the future, their own health, and the health of other members of their family
• Abandonment, especially if the parent is away more than usual for treatments and other procedures
• Increased responsibility around the house

Keeping and sharing comfort items such as clothing, photos, or other belongings of the person who died can help children feel connected to the loved one. Continuing routines and regular activities can also give children of all ages a sense of stability.

Ways to support a grieving child or teen

• Reassure them that nothing they did caused the death.
• Let them know who will be there for important milestones and special events.
• Keep the same routines and ensure their daily needs are met.
• Continue to talk about the loved one and share memories in age-appropriate ways.
• Help them find meaningful ways to remember important dates, such as birthdays or holidays.
• Offer the option to attend memorial services or rituals and explain what to expect.
• Encourage connection with peers or support groups.

Helping teens cope

After a loved one dies, teens may grieve in different ways. Some may have strong emotions. Others may want to spend time alone or with friends. Some teens might take on more responsibility at home, especially if someone from the household died. Many teens find comfort in keeping pictures, clothing, or other items that belonged to their loved one.

Teens who lose a parent may struggle with regret or guilt about things they feel were not resolved. Writing a letter to the person who died can help them express thoughts and feelings that are hard to talk about. They may also benefit from talking to a trusted adult or connecting with a teen-focused support group or online resources. These can be safe places to share feelings and find support and encouragement.

Support from caregivers or school

It is important that parents or guardians speak to the child’s teacher and/or school counselor about the illness and death of a loved one. The school staff can then watch your child and let you know if they notice any problems. If a child is stressed, it will often show up in the school settings. And a teacher who is not aware of what’s going on in the child’s life isn’t prepared to help them to cope with it.

In general, it’s important to ask the child how they’re feeling about school and friends. Sometimes older children do not want anyone outside of the family to know what’s going on. They might be concerned about what their peers think.

Continue routines and find support

• Try to continue usual activities and routines at home.
• Arrange for the child to stay in school and keep other activities on schedule as much as possible.
• Be sure teens know that having fun and spending time with friends are important parts of their lives. They should not feel guilty about it.

• Encourage teens to keep up their usual involvement in school and other activities.
• Tell the child’s teachers, coaches, and other school staff about the family’s illness situation.

Get extra support when needed

• Consider an evaluation by a mental health professional if the child becomes fearful, blames themselves, or acts depressed.
• Get support from groups or healthcare team if the child is distressed.

Spiritual and cultural beliefs

A family’s cultural, spiritual, or religious beliefs often play a large role in how they understand death and cope with it. For example, if people believe in life after death, death may be seen as a new beginning. Sharing your beliefs with children can help them process the news and death better. To learn more about spiritual support, see Spiritual Support and Cancer.