Being a Friend to Someone With Cancer

Help in practical ways

To help with practical needs, make a list of tasks that need to be done. Organize friends, neighbors, and coworkers to help complete the tasks on a regular schedule. There are websites and apps that can help with this.

• Take care of any urgent errands your friend or the caregiver needs done . Running an errand for the caregiver is as helpful as running an errand for your friend.
• Your friend may appreciate it more if you take care of regular, scheduled errands, rather than fewer ones that take a lot of time.
• Plan projects in advance, and start them only after talking with your friend and/or the caregiver.

Ideas for ways to help

• Make lunch or dinner for your friend and their caregiver 1 day a week. If your friend is getting treatment, ask what they feel like eating.
• Clean your friend’s home for an hour once a week.
• Care for your friend’s lawn or garden.
• Babysit, pet-sit, or take care of your friend’s plants.
• Commit to taking their child to practice or music lessons twice a week.
• Buy groceries.
• If your friend needs medical equipment, look into getting something donated.

If you are considering organizing ways to help raise money for treatment or other expenses, check with your friend first. Sometimes, raising money or crowdfunding can affect their benefits.

Give gifts thoughtfully

Look for small, practical things your friend may need or just enjoy. Think about what their average day is like and what might make it a little better. It’s always good to laugh and smile, too, so look for fun things for your friend.

• Choose gifts that can be used now.
• Small gifts given frequently are often better than large, one-time gifts.
• Be sure your friend knows that a thank-you note is not needed.

Gift ideas for someone with cancer

Things to do

• Funny or lighthearted movies
• Audiobooks
• A journal or notebook
• Stamped postcards or notecards with envelopes
• Relaxing music or nature sounds

Things to wear

• Soft or silly socks
• Fun hats or scarves
• Pajamas or a robe

Things to eat

• Favorite foods or snacks
• Gift cards for meal deliver

Household needs

• Bright, soft washcloths, towels, or sheets
• Silk or satin pillowcases
• A soft blanket or throw
• Toiletries, such as soap and lotion, if scents aren’t bothersome

When someone doesn’t want help

Some people find it hard to accept support, even when they need it. Others might not need the type of help you’re offering, or they might already have certain needs covered. Don’t be surprised or hurt if your friend refuses help. They may want to maintain their independence, privacy, or sense of control.

• Respect their answer, and try not to pressure them to accept help.
• Let your friend know the offer is still open if they change their mind or need something later.
• Offer practical ideas for what you can do to help, and follow through if they agree.
• Continue to offer emotional support. Sometimes, staying in touch and being willing to listen is enough.

Consider offering help to the caregiver, while respecting your friend’s privacy and preferences.

What not to do

It’s natural to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. In most cases, the best approach is to listen, avoid assumptions, and let your friend guide you. You might make mistakes, but what matters most is being there and showing that you care.

These tips can help you avoid words or actions that might add stress or make your friend feel misunderstood.

Avoid judgment or giving unwanted advice

• Don’t say, “I can imagine how you must feel,” because you really can’t.
• Don’t offer medical advice or your opinions on things like diet, vitamins, and herbal therapies unless asked.
• Don’t urge your friend to “fight” the disease.
• Don’t tell them how strong they are; they may feel the need to act strong even when they’re sad or exhausted.
• Don’t place blame or remind them of past behaviors that might be related to the illness, such as drinking or smoking. Some people feel guilty about those things.

Avoid making assumptions

• Don’t assume your friend can no longer do something just because they have cancer. Follow their lead.
• Don’t be afraid to talk about cancer, but don’t feel that you always have to talk about it. People with cancer may enjoy conversations that don’t involve their illness.
• Try not to use a “How sick are you today?” tone when asking how your friend is doing.
• Don’t be afraid to hug or touch your friend if that was a part of your friendship before they had cancer.

Respect changing needs

• Don’t be rigid. Understand that plans may need to change because of effects of cancer. Be flexible in case your friend needs to change or reschedule plans.
• Don’t be around someone with cancer if you are sick or have a fever or other signs of infection.
• Don’t take things too personally. It’s normal for a person with cancer to be quieter than usual, need time alone, or be angry at times.